Perhaps
by livelaughlove123
Summary: What if Lily having a baby wasn't necessarily a good thing? What if James didn't want to become a father at nineteen?


Lily shifted from side to side on the sticky bed. A nurse came in, handing her a papery gown and telling her to put it on. When she heard the door click, Lily quickly took off her pants and underwear. When she took off her shirt, she stopped for a moment to feel her stomach. There was a slight bump and all she could think was of what was going to happen in the span of an hour.

* * *

She stared at the calendar. She should have gotten it two weeks ago. Two weeks. And she had always been on time. Always. Her mother used to tell her that it ran in the family.

She took a deep breath to steady herself and then went upstairs into her bedroom and laid in bed.

* * *

Lily slipped on the gown and sat back on the sticky bed to wait for the doctor to come. Why was it that doctors always left their patients in their rooms for longer than necessary. Was it to make them think about the operations that they were going to have done? She certainly didn't want to think about that.

* * *

James came home late, later than normal, which probably would have sparked a fight between the two if James didn't find Lily staring unblinkingly at the ceiling of their small bedroom.

"Lily?"

"Yes, James?"

"Are you okay?"

"No."

* * *

As Lily waited, she stared at the clock. It was 9. James would already be at work, doing that stupid office job for the Ministry of Magic that he hated so that he could watch for any disturbances to report to the Order of the Phoenix. She would usually be at the Daily Prophet, making up lies about magical world, saying that Voldemort wasn't growing stronger so that she could keep her job.

But she was here instead.

* * *

"Are you sure?" James said.

"Yes." Lily replied.

"Fuck." James swore.

* * *

The door finally opened and the doctor came in. He went over to the sink and carefully washed his hands. Then he turned to Lily.

"Hello Miss Evans, I-" His pager began to beep.

"I'm sorry, this is urgent, do you mind if I take this?" The doctor said to Lily.

She shook her head.

He left the room, leaving her alone with her thoughts yet again.

* * *

"Maybe it'll be okay." Lily said, trying to calm James down.

"Be okay? Be okay? This is not okay, Lily. Do you understand what'll happen when the others find out?" James said, throwing his hands up in the air.

"Well I know that I'll have to cut down on my missions, but-"

James cut her off. "No! I don't mean Dumbledore, Lily! I mean Voldemort! Do you know what he'll do with this information? He'll kill us, all of us, even the, the-" James said, motioning toward Lily's stomach, unable to get out the word.

Lily looked down and held her stomach. "What do you want me to do, James?"

"I don't know, damnit, I just- we're too young for this."

* * *

Peter would be confused, he would ask too many questions.

But Remus, Remus would understand if she told him. Remus would get it, she told herself.

Sirius, maybe not, maybe he would side with James. But then again, James wasn't the one who suggested this.

* * *

After their conversation, everything seemed to fall apart slowly, but steadily. It wasn't that James didn't care, he did, he cared deeply. But it seemed to Lily that he couldn't focus on them, their relationship, when he was trying to keep them safe. He worked extra shifts to make more money, and he made Lily swear to keep it a secret, at least for the time being, he would say.

Lily on the other hand, wanted that glow they said women got, she wanted that love, but all she got was a full body feeling of dread. She would wake up and everything would seem okay, but then she would roll over and feel the bump and all the weight of the world would fall on top of her.

* * *

"Okay Miss Evans, please lay down on the table." The doctor was back.

As she lay down, she found the pressure becoming worse. She felt like she was suffocating. She started breathing heavily, almost to the point of hyperventilating. Just a little longer, she told herself. Just a little longer, and she could feel lighter.

* * *

She couldn't stand to see James and hers' relationship fall apart. They had worked hard at it to make it good, and although it wasn't perfect, it was close enough. Now it was only a brush of lips before bed and asking if there was any more milk in the fridge.

So maybe she was selfish. She wanted it all back, the overflowing feeling of love that seemed to evaporate as soon as she told him. And at first, she couldn't consider the option of not having it, but then the idea grew. If she did, they could go back to normal. No more furrowed brows, no more yelling, no more fear for being the biggest targets that Voldemort had.

So she scheduled the appointment, but she didn't tell him. She couldn't tell James, he would- well she didn't know what he would do, but she couldn't tell him just yet.

* * *

"Please Miss Evans. You need to calm down. Do you need a few moments?" The doctor said gently.

Lily nodded.

* * *

And she had almost been able to bear the idea of it. But then, last minute, as she was driving over to the clinic, her mind wandered. She imagined what he or she would look like. Would he have James' hair? Her eyes? She imagined holding her in her arms and James smiling at her. She imagined that feeling of hope, the feeling that everything would be okay.

* * *

Once the doctor left the room, Lily broke down. She sobbed like she wanted to when she found out about it. She couldn't do this, she wouldn't, would she? And then her mother's wise words came through to her, if she was having doubts, then there must be something wrong with it. And there was.

* * *

She balled up her paper gown and buttoned up her shirt messily. The doctor came back into the room as she was reaching for the doorknob.

"Miss Evans?"

"No, no thank you." Lily said, forcefully handing the gown back to him and pushing past him to leave the clinic.

* * *

As she drove home, she cried, sobbed hysterically actually, but they were better tears than the ones before. They made her feel free, for once.

Right before she got out of the car, she stopped and looked down at her stomach. She knew that the moment in the clinic wouldn't make anything easier, that it would still be hard as it was before, but if there was one thing she knew for sure, it was that it had been the right decision.

* * *

"Lily? Lily, is that you?" James bombarded her as soon as she walked into the door of their flat.

"James, wha-" She got cut off by James circling his arms around her and pulling her right into the softness of his shirt.

"Lils." James breathed into her ear.

"James, what's going on? What's wrong?" Lily said, finally being able to finish her sentence without getting cut off.

James pulled back. "What's going on? What's going on?" He parroted back at her angrily. "What's going on is that I get a call from Pads that there's been an incident in Diagon, near where you work, with some Death Eaters involved and when I get to the scene, no one knows where you are." James said, staring down at his girlfriend. "I looked everywhere, all around the place, waited to see what bodies were identified, all this time thinking you were there. Then, someone from your work, Peabody something, says that you never even came to work that day." James stops, as if telling Lily to cut in any time now and tell him why this was.

But the silence from Lily makes him go on. "So then I loop back to the house and you're not here either and there's no note, but your bag is here and I didn't know where you were and all I could think about was you and the b-baby." James said, still stuttering over the word, motioning at her stomach.

"Oh God, I didn't even know about the Diagon thing, was anyone hurt?" Lily asks, a part of her very interested, and the other part willing the topic away from the mention of the baby.

"Yeah, there were a few deaths and we'll hear more about it at the Order meeting tonight, but don't try to get me off topic, Lily. Where were you? I was so worried" He said, his brow furrowing.

Lily stepped back out of James' arms and turned toward the kitchen to pour herself a glass of water and collect her thoughts. She had been afraid to tell James before and now that she hadn't done it, she still didn't want to tell him. She finally realized that what she had done, (almost done, she corrects herself) was cowardly and she didn't want James to think less of her.

"Lily?" James said, making her turn around. "What's going on, is everything okay?"

Maybe she didn't have to tell him, he could never find out, right?

"Is it something with you know, the baby?" James said, biting his lip and looking worried.

No, she had to tell him, she just had to.

"James, I have to tell you something." Lily said a little uneasily, but determined nonetheless.

After sitting down and telling James everything, from the weightiness she felt to the sobbing part in the clinic, she realized that she finally felt lighter. Maybe that was what it had been all along, keeping it to herself had made her feel like she had to do it by herself. But holding James' hand and explaining the past few months to him made her feel better. At least until she stopped talking.

"Lily, what the hell? W-wh-why? Why would you think that? Did you-did you think I didn't want it? Because, Merlin Lily, I do, I do. I know I haven't really shown it recently, but Merlin I love you and I love this baby." James said, finally getting the word out without looking uneasy. Instead, he started to get that look in his eyes that he did when talking about killing those Death Eaters and making protests for the muggleborns.

"I, well, I wasn't sure, James. I thought maybe it was too much, I couldn't keep it a secret anymore, but I couldn't bring myself to tell anyone, and I thought I was stuck. But then, in the clinic, I knew that I did want this baby, that I want to keep 'im." She said, getting slightly emotional.

James hugged her tight. "I know, I was wrong. We should tell everyone, we should be proud of it. I don't care what the rest of them say. It's going to be okay."

And when they finally told everyone, they didn't mention their uncertainty, their doubt. They presented it like it was the best thing ever, and in a way, maybe it was. Maybe Lily couldn't take as many missions, and maybe they were the biggest targets that Voldemort had, but they were happy, blissfully, and maybe that was all they needed.

AN: This is a bit different than anything I've ever wrote and much longer as well. Just to be clear, I am not enforcing one view rather than the other about abortion, but rather presenting it as an option to Lily. I've read so many fics about James being ecstatic about Lily being pregnant and I, for one, thought it was a little OOC of him. Instead, I wanted to explore the other side of it, like what would happen if neither were very excited about the possibility of a baby. So it would be awesome if you could just let me know how you feel about it in a review.

Thank you for reading,

Livelaughlove123


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